


"hey man i love you but no fucking way."

by whimsicalMedley



Series: Be More Chill Songfics [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Gay Michael Mell, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael Mell, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 14:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14936286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalMedley/pseuds/whimsicalMedley
Summary: Jeremy had always been there for Michael. Jeremy was the first person Michael came out to as trans, and then gay. Jeremy had never made Michael feel bad about his gender or sexuality, and Michael knew he never would.“Get out of my way,Lizzie.”Michael was wrong.





	"hey man i love you but no fucking way."

**Author's Note:**

> me: Michael Mell deserves better!!!  
> also me: time to make Michael Mell suffer!!!
> 
> title of the fic inspired by the song Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms because it's uhhhhhhh perfect.
> 
> anyway, enjoy!!

_It's no big surprise you turned out this way._  
_When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change._  
_And they cut your hair and sent you away._  
_You stopped by my house the night you escaped._  
_With tears in my eyes I begged you to stay,_ _  
You said "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way"_

_-Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms_

* * *

When Michael was five years old, he met his best friend.

Michael wasn’t Michael yet. He was Elizabeth, a girl with long hair, painted nails, and who wore skirts almost every day (due to the fact that her mothers dressed her). Elizabeth was considered a “tomboy” at that age (which Michael laughed at whenever he thought about it), and she liked it like that.

On Elizabeth’s first day of kindergarten, she was nervous. Excited, but nervous. Elizabeth didn’t really interact with anyone but her parents, and the thought of change was frightening. Her moms held her hands as they walked towards the classroom, and Elizabeth was practically shaking.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” Her mama asked, and Elizabeth nodded hesitantly.

“You’ll be okay. You’re a Mell after all!” Her mom laughed, and mama turned to her and shook her head with a smile.

As the family entered the colorful classroom, Elizabeth felt her nerves intensify. She was never good with loud people or crowds, and the fact that her moms weren’t going to be here made it worse. Then, the teacher walked up to them, and crouched in front of Elizabeth.

“And who might you be?” She asked kindly, her pretty face soft. Elizabeth gulped, and after she managed to sutter out her name, the teacher replied, “nice to meet you, Elizabeth! I’m Miss Jones.”

Elizabeth nodded timidly, and then her moms let go of her hands. They too crouched down to meet her eyes as Miss Jones walked away, and Elizabeth turned to them.

“Time for us to go.” Mom whispered, and then hugged Elizabeth tightly.

“You’ll be okay, love. The day will go by so quick that you won’t even realize how long it’s been!” Mama said, ruffling her hair.

Then, they were gone.

Elizabeth looked around at the kids, shrieking and playing with random toys on the carpeted floor. Her eyes were wide as she took the scene in. They were so _loud._ She didn’t like it.

Walking towards the bookshelf, Elizabeth began to look for something she’d be able to read. Her moms had taught her at an early age, and she thought she was pretty good. When she was almost there, Elizabeth saw a boy sitting by himself on the floor, his head bowed. Furrowing her brow, she grabbed a random book and walked towards him.

“Hi!” Elizabeth exclaimed when she reached him, causing him to jump. The boy hastily wiped his eyes, and Elizabeth realized he’d been crying. Concern made her heart feel heavy, and so she sat next to him, knees touching.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, trying to catch his eye.

It took a few seconds for him to reply, but then he quietly said, “I miss my mommy and daddy.”

Elizabeth nodded in understanding, and the boy finally looked at her.

“I miss my moms too! They’re great, and I’ve never really gone anywhere without them.” She replied, and he gave her a confused look.

“You have two moms?” He asked, and Elizabeth nodded enthusiastically and said, “my moms are the best moms in the world!”

The boy seemed puzzled for a second, but then let it go. A silence overtook them, so Elizabeth stuck her hand out to shake.

“I’m Elizabeth Mell, nice to meet you!”

The boy finally smiled, which made Elizabeth smile too. He took her hand and shook it, saying, “my name is Jeremiah Heere but my parents call me Jeremy. Nice to meet you too Elizabeth.”

“Well Jeremy,” Elizabeth started, “do you wanna read this book with me?”

“You can read?” Jeremy asked in wonder, and Elizabeth nodded happily.

“Mama taught me. I can help you read too! I’m a very good teacher.” She giggled, and Jeremy nodded, scooting closer to her.

At the end of the day, as Elizabeth was packing up her bookbag, Jeremy walked up to her, looking nervous. Elizabeth smiled at him widely. She really liked Jeremy. He didn’t look at her weird when she rambled about something random, and on top of that, he actually seemed interested in what she was saying!

“Hi Jeremy!” Elizabeth chirped, and Jeremy stopped in front of her.

“Do…do you wanna be friends?” He asked timidly, almost like he was expecting her to say no or laugh at him.

“Yeah!” Elizabeth exclaimed, “we’ll be best friends!”

Jeremy’s face lit up, and they walked out of the classroom together.

That was the start of it all.

* * *

"Lizzie, you jerk!” Jeremy laughed, and shoved her lightly as Elizabeth managed to kill Jeremy’s character. They were thirteen years old, and Elizabeth bit her lip. She laughed along, but it sounded heavily stilted and strained. Jeremy frowned, pausing the game and looking at her.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, and Elizabeth felt her chest tighten. Jeremy was her best friend, and she was so scared to lose him. He was the only one allowed to call her Lizzie, he was the one that she always went to when she was upset, and he made her happy. So incredibly happy. And she couldn’t lose that.

And yet…

Elizabeth was tired of being called Elizabeth. She was tired of wearing skirts, and having long hair, and having her moms buy her skirts and other girly things. She was tired of being addressed as “she.”

Elizabeth was tired of being seen as a girl when she wasn’t.

Taking a deep breath, Elizabeth looked Jeremy in the eye and blurted out, “I’m not a girl.”

Jeremy blinked owlishly, and Elizabeth’s hands started to shake.

“What do you mean?” He asked, and Elizabeth took a deep breath.

“I—I’m a boy. I’m trans. I’ve been feeling weird for awhile now and whenever someone calls me Elizabeth I feel like shit and I hate wearing skirts and I hate my long hair and—”

“Dude.” Jeremy said calmly, and Elizabeth’s mouth snapped shut.

_Oh no, he’s gonna leave, Jeremy is gonna leave me and I’m gonna be alone and—_

“That’s okay.”

Elizabeth looked up from the ground in surprise, and Jeremy smiled at her.

“Thank you for telling me dude.” He said softly, and Elizabeth felt her breathing get uneven.

“You don’t hate me?” She whispered, and Jeremy actually looked a little offended.

“We’ve been best friends since kindergarten. I could never hate you.” Jeremy’s eyes were warm, and Elizabeth felt tears spill over her cheeks. Jeremy looked panicked, and he jumped off of his beanbag chair to kneel in front of her.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Did I say something bad? What—” he was cut off by Elizabeth launching herself at him, hugging him tightly. After a second of hesitation, Jeremy hugged her back, his hold just as tight.

“Don’t leave me, please.” Elizabeth whispered, and Jeremy rubbed her back comfortingly.

“I promise you, I’m never leaving.”

* * *

“What about Elijah?”

Jeremy was laying down on Elizabeth’s bed, scrolling on his phone. Elizabeth tilted his head in question, and Jeremy’s cheeks went pink.

“You said you couldn’t find a new name. Does Elijah work?” He asked, and Elizabeth felt his chest go warm.

A few weeks after coming out to Jeremy, Elizabeth came out to his moms as well. Jeremy had held his hand through the whole thing, and when Elizabeth got overwhelmed, would squeeze his hand lightly. _I’m here,_ he was saying.

Elizabeth’s moms were silent for a few moments, and they were the most terrifying moments of his life. Then, his mama got up from her seat and hugged him tightly.

“You’re our child. We don’t care. I’m so proud of you for being brave enough to come to terms with this.” She had said, and mom joined in on the hug. Elizabeth burst into tears.

Jeremy had stood there awkwardly, and mama sighed in exasperation, grabbed his arm, and tugged him into the group hug.

“I don’t know. I don’t really want it to sound like Elizabeth.” He replied, and Jeremy nodded.

“Makes sense.”

As Jeremy kept calling out names, Elizabeth put his pencil down and looked up at his best friend.

“Are you on a name website?” He asked with a smile, and Jeremy nodded hesitantly. Elizabeth snorted, put his math homework down, and shoved Jeremy over so he could look too.

“That is incredibly sweet of you, Jer. I might die from the cuteness overload.” Elizabeth said, wrapping his arms around Jeremy’s middle. Jeremy’s face turned red, and he rolled his eyes in faux annoyance.

“Anyway, I’m gonna keep looking.”

As time went on, Jeremy kept listing names, but none of them felt right. Elizabeth was half asleep, and then Jeremy whispered, “what about Michael?”

Elizabeth’s eyes blinked open, and he lifted his head from Jeremy’s shoulder.

“I actually really like that one.” He replied, and Jeremy smiled happily. It was his real smile, the one that only Elizabeth really got to see. Elizabeth loved that smile.

“So, is that the one?” Jeremy asked, and Elizabeth hummed in thought.

“Michael Mell. It has a nice ring to it.” Elizabeth said, and Jeremy nodded in agreement.

“Plus I can still have a nickname for you.” He laughed, and Elizabeth glared at him.

“I swear to god, if you actually try to call me Mike—”

Jeremy’s laughter got louder at Elizabeth’s exclamation, and he couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him.

“I was gonna say Micah, but I might actually have to use Mike now.”

“I will cut your dick off, Jeremiah Heere, don’t test me.” Elizabeth—no, Michael, responded.

“I’d like to see you try, Micah.”

The two smiled at each other widely, and Michael hugged Jeremy tightly, burying his face into Jeremy’s shoulder.

“Thank you so much, dude.” He murmured, and Michael felt Jeremy’s arms wrap around him.

“No problem.”

* * *

 As Michael and Jeremy entered high school, their friendship stayed the same. Michael cut his hair and got a binder for his birthday, and after he came out at school, the normally timid Jeremy Heere would yell at anyone who tried to make fun of Michael.

Michael was in love.

It hit him randomly, while they were playing video games. Jeremy’s character had just died, and he groaned in annoyance as Michael kept going. He had always been better at Apocalypse of the Damned, and it bugged Jeremy to no end.

“Wow Jeremy, thanks for leaving me to kill all these zombies!” Michael exclaimed dramatically, and Jeremy laughed. Michael looked over at him, and his breath caught. In the darkness of his basement, Jeremy seemed to glow. His eyes were bright in happiness, and his brown hair was messy. Jeremy’s mouth was pulled up into a wide smile, his laughter bouncing off of the walls.

_Oh no._

Michael knew he was gay, but this was bad. This was very bad. Jeremy had recently gotten a crush on a girl named Christine, and was also extremely straight. There was no possible way that Jeremy Heere would love him back. Not like that.

_I’m fucked._

* * *

 

The party was _loud._

Michael didn’t like loud.

Navigating through the mass of sweaty, drunken high school students, Michael searched for Jeremy. He needed to get to Jeremy. Jeremy was in danger. Yeah, Jeremy had been ignoring Michael for weeks, but Michael still cared about him. Michael still loved him.

Someone crashed into him, spilling beer on his shirt, and Michael stumbled backwards.

_Okay, that’s it._

Quickly walking up the stairs and opening random doors (which had led to things Michael really didn't want to see), he eventually managed to find the bathroom. Michael slammed the door shut and leaned against it heavily, breathing uneven.

_It’s fine, you're fine, just breathe._

Michael made his way to the tub, putting his head between his legs in an attempt to block out the noise. Suddenly, the doorknob turned, and Michael stiffened. But then, he saw who it was. A shuddering breath escaped him, and he pulled the curtains to the side, determined to get through to Jeremy.

That’s when it all went wrong.

* * *

 

“Get out of my way, _Lizzie.”_

Michael’s heart stopped. He barely felt Jeremy shove past him, and the slamming of the door sounded far away.

“Some people need to use the bathroom too!” A voice called.

“I—I’m having my period!” Michael yelled back, his eyes burning. His breathing was becoming fast and shallow, and he knew that a panic attack was coming on.

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. His best friend, his player two, the boy he’d loved for _years_ had just made it very clear where they stood.

_Lizzie._

_Lizzie._

_Lizzie._

Jeremy had _never_ used that name against him. Jeremy had always respected Michael's name and pronouns. He had messed up sometimes in the beginning, but it was always followed by some profuse apologies. They'd had arguments before, but Jeremy had never…never…

_Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, of course. Of course he left you, because you're annoying and a loser and a freak, and who wants to associate with a freak? You were never good enough for him. He deserves better, he wants better, and you’re going to get replaced with someone cooler. You could die right now, and nobody would care._

Michael shook his head, trying to get his thoughts to quiet down.

_You're worthless._

Michael felt tears brim over his eyes and onto his cheeks, a wrecked sob being pulled from deep within his chest.

_You deserve to die._

Michael was aware that he was sitting on the floor of the bathroom, rocking back and forth, but barely. Everything felt murky, like he was underwater. Then, he looked down at his arm, and his already labored breath caught.

He had been scratching.

The skin on his arm had broken, and blood was welling up under his fingers. Fuck. He hadn’t hurt himself in two years, and all that hard work was thrown down the drain. He usually went to Jeremy when he had his urges, but now…now—

 _Now you're alone. And you deserve it,_ his brain replied.

Michael couldn’t disagree.

_"I promise you, I'm never leaving."_

What a load of shit.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry rip
> 
> tumblr: persephones-pyre


End file.
